Dry spell...

Ok so I have to begin by saying that when I first startednthis blog I kinda thought I'd be writing very often. Clearly that is not the case seeing as I havent put up a new post on a loooong time! There were several times that I wanted to post some thoughts butinguess laziness got the better of me and then it just seemed irrelevant. Even now as I am writing, I'm not sure exactly what I want to say. In a way I just want to revive my blog. So if you're reading this, thanks for sticking with me...
Well... I'm huge! In my 25th week and everyone is saying that I'm "so tiny" uchh.. I know what that means-NOTHING! I am not blind and can see in the mirror that "tiny" is a far from accurate description. It's not about the way I look though. I understand that comes with the territory. It's more about the way I feel. Its getting harder to do basic stuff. Bend down, walk quickly or run, stand for extended periods of time and most importantly, pick up my son. I hate that I'm "not supposed" to pick him up. It's just not realistic somof course I do, but honestly, its not easy and sometimes even causes pain...
The other thing is...well...ok I'll just say it... The intimacy thing-well not really happening. I know he really wants to and he tries all the time but I'm just so not in the mood and havent been in a while. I once read that in order to get in the mood, sometimes you just have to do it and the act itself will naturally create the mood. I did that a few times and it worked but now I can't even seem to muster up enough energy to do that either. I'm not sure if it's really the pregnancy or something else but either way, I feel that it's starting to get to him and though he's being and will undoubtedly continue to be extremely patient, it must be so hard and frustrating for him. Today he went to bed without me at like 830. I know he was exhausted but he never goes to bed without me. He always waits! I'm a little confused. When will I want to again?? When will this dry spell end? Has this happened to anyone?

Always think about the consequences!

I'm an elementary school teacher so by default I use the phrase "think about the consequences of your actions" or some version of it at least 2-3 times a week. Today, I was sitting in my classroom between classes and started thinking about consequences and what it means to me. I realized that it means...well...too much. Ever since I can remember, I've always ALWAYS considered the consequences of every single decision I've made. You might say: that sounds sensible and responsible. But here's the problem: because I'm always so attuned to what might be if I do such and such, I never every do anything spontaneous! Honestly, I don't care about that. So I'm not a spontaneous person. My husband knew that when he married me, and although he may not always like it, he knows that that's who I am. I am a planned person. So the spontaneity thing is not the issue. The problem is that this total immersion that I have in considering every aspect of what might happen over every decision I make, has stopped me very often from doing things that I think I really wanted to do. I'm not talking about major life choices, just simple day to day things that I don't allow myself since it might...something. It might make someone angry. It might end up costing too much. It might take too long. It might...whatever. And the point is that sometimes I just want to say "WHO CARES what might or might not happpen - just go for it!" but i never do... Sometimes when I bring up these things with my husband, he'll say to me:"just do it" (it being whatever is on my mind) but then after all that pondering, it kinda sucks the juice out of anything that I really wanted to do. Here's the thing that worries me the most: I can live with myself being like this to myself, but I really really don't want to pass this on to my son (and soon to be daughter..) I want my kids to be so confident in themselves that they can be comfortable with every decision they make. I don't want them to have this kind of fear that I always have about what my choice will mean. At the same time, I do want them to learn responsibility and that our choices do...well.. have consequences. Okay I'm rambling on and on just to ask one big question: How can you find the fine line between just right and too much or too little? and the answer is: I have no idea! any thoughts....???

Waste of time...

Confession - I absolutley love "everybody loves Raymond". It's by far my favorite tv show and I watch the reruns almost every single day, even though I know all the episodes basically by heart. Waste of time you say, well - I agree! There are so many other things I could and should be doing instead of watching these episodes. Better, more productive, more important things. But at the same time, I feel like I HAVE to watch it before I go to sleep. It makes me feel good and happy! I don't know what it is. Do I want my life to look like that? Not really. Living across from my in laws and having a manipulative, lazy husband. Does not sound good at all. Is it the family thing? being so close to eachother. Maybe - I mean I definitley have so many issues with my family, except that they're not so funny...
Maybe I don't really need to explain it. It is what it is. I like watching tv and I like this show and it makes me relaxed and that's all there is to it. Do I have to feel guilty about it? Sometimes I wonder why this bothers me so much. I just want to enjoy it... It's interesting - the guilt is a repetitive theme on this show (and in my life). Oh well - no solutions tonight. Back to watching tv - guess what's on...?!

It can't possibly be my fault

Let me start off by saying that I do realize that I am married to a particularly special man. He is one of those dream husbands that do almost everything around the house and don't complain about it. He does the grocery shopping, some cooking, and is the one who mostly gets up to our son at night (I should mention that our gorgeous boy is a terrible sleeper so I mean every night!) he loves me, would do anything for me and is really my better half.
Ok, here it comes... The big BUT...
Sometimes he isn't so perfect and if I get upset about something, the response is usually: "why are you yelling at me?" To which I answer: "I am not yelling, I'm only being expressive with my feelings and I'm allowed to do that if I want to!"
He doesn't always get it and blames it on something hormonal, which makes me even more upset. I just KNOW that it's his fault and he just KNOwS that it's my fault. And then at the end of the day, whatever it was usually just blows over and we dont even talk about it anymore and when we go to bed, we'll always say "I love you", no matter what...
So maybe it really is nobody's fault but then again what's the fun in arguing if you can't ever win?!

The first time...

So this is what it feels like to blog. Not sure what to make of it quite yet. Am I supposed to just let my thoughts run wild and hope that my fingers can type as quickly as my mind is racing?
This is my first post in my first blog, and now I can't help thinking of all kinds of firsts. There is just something so exciting about doing something for the first time. Especially if it's something you're looking forward to do. But it can also be kinda scary. I mean the fear of failing, of being disappointed... And then there is that weird feeling of kind of crashing after an ultimate high. I remember that especially after my son was born. It was the best day of my life and 19 months later, I can recall everything that happened that day. I quickly realized though that nothing will ever feel like that again. No future birth of any child will be quite the same. That's a scary thought! Is that an awful thing to say/think (as I'm sitting here 5 months pregnant with our second child). Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely looking forward to another baby, but will it be the same feeling? Honestly, I don't think so. A first is a first and that can never change. does this sound too melancholy?
Well, here I am about to experience another first..sending off this first blog into cyberspace and wishing for something... Here's hoping...
Good night!